David Byrne Corollary #2

Provisions:  leftovers

Objectives:  Learn basic art skills again in preparation for possible oil painting class.

Future:  Vacation ends Monday, but I quickly turn around to fly to the Orange Bowl.  My first experience with human jury duty is scheduled for the 7th.

David Byrne Corollary #2:  Same As It Ever Was

One might ask how I can retain the memories of my old form and absorb the memories of my human host simultaneously.  I wish I knew.  I feel my human host is an extension, perhaps even a complement to my own life.  Comparing his memories and mine, we share many similarities:  rejection, naivety, timidness.  Same as it ever was.  I wish my host could see the despair and rigidness of my home world, but humans don’t have the same evolved adaptability as my species.  We can survive multiple breathing environments, significant pressure changes and wide ranges in temperature (more on the cold end, definitely not too hot).  In a future log, I will describe how I attached myself to this lanky human.

So This Is Christmas

Objectives:  Celebrate annual holiday with human family

Accomplishments:  Consumed mass quantities of salted and sugared snacks.

Oddities:  A tiger escaped its exhibit at the San Francisco Zoo, killing one human.  Somewhere, Roy screamed.  I remember my initial experiments on Earth before taking on a human vessel.  I placed a wild Indian tiger with a transient human before realizing I mixed incompatible species.

I enjoy these annual celebrations on Earth.  We don’t observe holidays back home.  My human family has a new cat, rescued from a shelter earlier in the month.  The cat sensed my alien presence immediately.  She refused association until she smelled the turkey on my plate.  My human parents watched the old black-and-white version of A Christmas Carol, starring Alastair Sims.  They watch it most years.  It is seriously creepy.  I watched South Park’s Woodland Critter Christmas (don’t get down y’all, we’ll find a human host for the anti-Christ).

David Byrne Corollary #1

Objectives: None; still waiting on Orange Bowl tickets; looking forward to time off.

Accomplishments: incorrect use of word “corollary.”

Corollary #1: Well, how did I get here?

Much like the last 31 sols in my Earthly vehicle, I turned my tail and ran. In my natural form, I worked as a courier, transporting goods between celestial bodies. I can’t pronounce those locations properly with the human tongue. The work is boring. At one point, after a degrading conversation with superiors, I swiped a long range interstellar vehicle for a trip to nowhere.

Despite the hyperspace journey to a largely unexplored region of the universe, my superiors located me. They assigned a new mission of exploration. I encountered a filthy-looking probe hurtling through empty space. I followed and captured the object in a slow drag, diminishing its momentum gradually. The probe contained a crude map, anatomical etchings, and a gold disc featuring photographs and music. My first thought was “send more Chuck Berry!” Scanning communication frequencies, I was overwhelmed by the amount of broadcasts interfering with each other. I did, however, take an instant liking to Pink Floyd.

Breaking the termination shock barrier bounced my vehicle aggressively. But, I discovered a neatly arranged solar system as I pursued the source of the transmissions. I will describe the following bodies in their Earthly names.

Pluto & Charon: Binary system with a few captured rocks, though you classify Pluto as a dwarf planet. Why? Both are cold, icy and empty. Both should be strip-mined for all available natural resources, as neither are useful.

Neptune: Astonishing gaseous body, presumably with hard core. The deep blue shade of the dominating material is beautiful; the storms within the top layers of the gases are not. I located several captured objects within the orbit, including a large natural satellite you call Triton. You should also mine these bodies for resources. Neptune has minor ringed debris.

Uranus: What a peculiar body! The stark axial tilt surprised me. I liked the light shade of green in this gaseous giant. The natural satellites, despite their unusual orbits, bored me. There is a thin ring of debris.

Saturn: Another gaseous giant … heavily ringed with rocks, ice and other debris. I discovered one of your probes on the natural satellite Titan. Single-celled organisms live in the methane pools; I don’t know if you were aware of that. The humidity is choking. Escape velocity is more difficult between Saturn and the next planet…

Jupiter: Huge gaseous giant! Is that redundant? I also spotted some debris rings here. Storms within the top layers are monstrous. Natural satellites are exciting. Io is heavily volcanic. Ganymede is enormous. Europa, under its surface, contains more complex organisms living in volcanically-heated water. Establishing an outpost here would be a good idea. Asteroid belt between here and Mars is tricky.

Mars: Apparently you like this place. I spotted several probes and a couple of slow-moving vehicles. I presume you will eventually mine the dusty planet for its ore and other basic minerals. Why would anyone live there?

Venus and Mercury: Too damn hot.

Hello, cruel world!

Escape velocity not realized.  Furthermore, my interstellar travel license requires me to maintain a ship log.  I received the message today, which at light speed meant it was sent quite some time ago.  I have 31 sols of catching up to do.

Provisions:  Rice; chicken cooked in Italian dressing; spoonful of oleo; crickets; ice cream

Music:  KROQ HD2 internet feed

Accomplishments:  none

Today the major players at work bestowed praise upon us at the annual year-end meeting.  We won awards.  We help the community.  We’re still ranked fourth in most time slots.  The parent owner of the station is also in the process of selling us to the highest bidder.  My home planet refused to provide the necessary sundries.  A female co-worker prevented embarrassment by alerting me to the untucked pocket on the back of my pants.  I will never become accustomed to Earthly threads and fabrics.