Murder-for-hire Marketwatch

Objectives:  none

Provisions:  canned

Music:  The The

Physiology:  can’t shake this cough

Humans are a uniquely homicidal species on this planet.  No other mammal kills its own like a human.  That said, I chuckled at one man’s attempt to kill a disliked individual.  I ran the story in my newscast last night.  Wholly unfamiliar with the market on a contract hit, the man in question offered an undercover Independence (Mo.) police officer $5 and 90 painkiller pills for the job.  If I am the undercover cop, I don’t know how I keep a straight face.  Officers immediately arrested the man.

Slammed

Objectives:  none

Accomplishments:  Completed political story for FOX network

Aggravations:  typing with laptop computer

Escape velocity is hard to realize in such cold weather.  The Stratus doesn’t move so freely with frozen muck on the undercarriage.

It is truly amazing how journalists can operate for weeks without finding a good story, then we get slammed with several in the same day.  I compare it to long distance space travel.  You spend copious amounts of time in black emptiness, then one day, radiation from a supernova melts your shorts.  Tuesday was one of those days, though I kept my threads intact.  Missouri’s governor announced he won’t seek a second term (the way it occurred was strange); a famous actor died; a polarizing member of Kansas City’s parks board resigned (her letter started “Enough already!”); and a judge recommended an officer fired in a traffic stop that resulted in a miscarriage be reinstated.  We really need to spread these stories out.

There is not enough yelling in the courtroom

Objectives: recover from jury duty to return to work

Accomplishments: new knowledge of intestinal anatomy and its obstructions

Physiology: recovering from common cold

I spent the last five business days with my human host on jury duty in Johnson County, Kansas. Unfortunately, my prediction the civic duty would resolve after one day proved inaccurate. The court selected me for a five-day wrongful death/medical negligence civil trial. During the course of the trial, we learned the complete anatomy of the small and large bowels, plus the difference between mechanical small bowel obstructions and an ileus.

Regarding juror selection, I noticed humans will risk their integrity and perceived intelligence just to avoid jury duty. I placed them into two curious categories.

1. Confusion: Some humans will say anything, no matter how unintelligent, to plant seeds of bias or ineptitude in the counsel’s mind. For example, one woman said “accidents happen” when asked if a doctor should be responsible for medical mistakes. One of the lawyers asked her if a driver ran a red light, causing a car wreck, should the driver who ran the red light be held responsible. Her answer: “Well, the sun could’ve been in his eyes.”

2. Unwavering bias: Other humans in the pool took a stand without waiting to observe the facts of the case. One decided doctors are above mistakes. Another concluded medical malpractice lawsuits should be outlawed.

Once the lawyers struck the inept, along with the three registered nurses, a retired police officer once sued for excessive force, and a couple of weepy individuals citing funerals and hospitalized family members, I stood no chance of exclusion. The final 12-person jury included a lawyer with an office across the street from the courthouse, a retired medical laboratory executive, and a malpractice insurance salesman! They paid the price for their fairness and intelligence. Ultimately, we found no evidence of negligence on the defendant’s part, saving him a $1.3 million judgment sought by the plaintiff’s family.

Juiced over a KU victory

Objectives:  preparing for jury duty Monday

Provisions:  fueled by ice cream yet again

Accomplishments:  Recently returned from Orange Bowl

Air travel seems more complex than necessary on this planet.  Of course, we evolved beyond petroleum engines and pressurized metal tubes long ago.  In my interstellar vehicle, I could’ve made the trip in minutes.  Instead, I sat on the runway in Charlotte waiting for airplanes to alternately land and launch.  I was amazed at how many people decided to use automobiles in a geographically limited area like Miami Beach.  High population density among humans reminds me of a beehive.  I don’t think humans would appreciate the comparison, though.

My reason for traveling to South Florida (during a cold snap) was to attend the Orange Bowl, where my human vessel’s alma mater, Kansas, won 24-21.  I enjoy the brutality of the sport, but I can’t imagine the players feel too good after several years.  I also noticed the Orange Bowl mascot and the ample Jayhawk head coach kept plenty of distance between them.  The preferred sport back home resembles your game of soccer.  But, we have multiple tentacles.

Little Work Accomplished

Date:  First day of the new year in the socially accepted calendar

Temperature:  20 degrees (F)

Provisions:  Still finishing Christmas leftovers

Objectives:  Journalists, even the alien variety, rarely get a holiday off.

Accomplishments:  Futbol Americano

What a peculiar day.  The previous night I didn’t participate in the revelry of the completion of a revolution around your sun.  $100 for the right to eat at a hotel’s buffet?  $75 to drink endlessly at the four bars on Martini Corner?  What a racket!  No thanks.  This morning I thought I heard fireworks.  In reality, I heard gunshots from what the local constables call a “domestic dispute.”  Officers blocked the street I required to travel to the elevated highway.

My station airs the Sugar Bowl tonight.  I have a meager two-minute halftime newscast to produce.  I don’t mind the cold weather, as I am accustomed to the cold emptiness of outer space.  When I travel to Miami in two days for the Orange Bowl (my human host is a Kansas alum), the normally subtropical climate will drop to a more manageable marine temperate.