Creature Comparison

Objectives: none

Accomplishments: none

Physiology: fine

Message for my bosses back home: Consider Netflix. They don’t mail beyond Earth, but with a gigantic satellite dish, you might receive a weak wi-fi signal from one of the many coffee shops.

My human host recently used his Netflix account, not for an intelligent purchase, but for two cheeseball capers from his childhood: Critters 2 and Gremlins 2. I’ve never seen such creatures in my interstellar experiences, and I am thankful neither exist on Earth, but let us compare.

Gremlins:

• Origin: Earth
  Growth: Complicated — first they separate from the back of the parent Mogwai upon contact with water. After a period of hijinx, they enter a cocoon phase. Upon hatching, they shed their hair in favor of scales of more pronounced features
  Behavior: Mischevious, accelerated and violent
  Abilities: Basic mimicking of human language, group sociology, problem-solving, agility
  Problems: Bright light is fatal

 

Above:  Intelligent Gremlin discusses need for civilization.

• Origin: Drank brain serum in “Splice of Life” laboratory
  Growth: Initially spastic; then rapid intelligence gain
  Behavior: More subdued; a natural leader
  Abilities: Knowledge of commodities; Frank Sinatra lyrics; sounds like Tony Randall

Critters:

 

Above:  A critter thinks about his next meal.

• Origin: Extra-terrestrial
  Growth: Unknown; spherical in shape with stunted appendages
  Behavior: Basic and violent; prone to acting as a group
  Abilities: Can withdraw limbs and roll, either individually or attached with others to form a gigantic sphere; surprising ability to bounce and change direction rapidly; interstellar travel and use of firearms despite short appendages; voracious appetite; verbal communication (subtitlted for our benefit).
  Problems:  limited morality, appetite

I can’t speculate how I might react if I might either species.  If I had a choice, I would rather meet the gremlins.  They seem like fun, even if they do want to kill you.  The critters just eat; plus they chose to land in Kansas and failed when tempted by rotting meat, whereas the gremlins conquered one small town in upstate New York, and briefly, one New York City skyscraper.