Perfect Storm

Objectives:  Returning to painting class tomorrow

Accomplishments:  Partially booked vacation for July

Physiology:  No problems

Aggravations:  Keyboard lag (again)

  Superiors, the storm a few nights ago would’ve impressed you.  In the middle of the night, high wind roared through the area, causing damage.  Despite the non-tornadic image of the storm on radar, a few tornadoes apparently helped themselves to some homes as well.  The wind resembled a steam-powered train, rumbling continuously in the distance and growing louder as it approached.  Fortunately, my interstellar vehicle (the Stratus) escaped damage.  These storms should appear intermittently for another two months before we enter a hot, arid period.

  My quarters occasionally host some of the smaller creatures of the planet, like spiders.  But one pest in particular never seems to leave.  Cave crickets appear from a hidden nest, often drinking tiny puddles in the shower.  Cave crickets resemble a science fiction creation.  They have the legs and jumping ability of grasshoppers; the abdomen resembles a spider; yet, they belong to the cricket family.  Fortunately, I don’t require much effort to catch one.  With a little butter over medium heat, I’m sure it would taste okay too.

About the last month …

Objectives:  none

Accomplishments:  none

Physiology:  fine

With sincere apology, I write my first entry in nearly one Earth month.  Sorry, superiors, for my lapse in protocol.  You probably want to know what I did for the last few weeks.  I finished an oil painting.  I also watched a lot of basketball.  Go Jayhawks.  Feel free to join us on Massachusetts Street if Kansas wins Saturday and Monday.

Creature Comparison

Objectives: none

Accomplishments: none

Physiology: fine

Message for my bosses back home: Consider Netflix. They don’t mail beyond Earth, but with a gigantic satellite dish, you might receive a weak wi-fi signal from one of the many coffee shops.

My human host recently used his Netflix account, not for an intelligent purchase, but for two cheeseball capers from his childhood: Critters 2 and Gremlins 2. I’ve never seen such creatures in my interstellar experiences, and I am thankful neither exist on Earth, but let us compare.

Gremlins:

• Origin: Earth
  Growth: Complicated — first they separate from the back of the parent Mogwai upon contact with water. After a period of hijinx, they enter a cocoon phase. Upon hatching, they shed their hair in favor of scales of more pronounced features
  Behavior: Mischevious, accelerated and violent
  Abilities: Basic mimicking of human language, group sociology, problem-solving, agility
  Problems: Bright light is fatal

 

Above:  Intelligent Gremlin discusses need for civilization.

• Origin: Drank brain serum in “Splice of Life” laboratory
  Growth: Initially spastic; then rapid intelligence gain
  Behavior: More subdued; a natural leader
  Abilities: Knowledge of commodities; Frank Sinatra lyrics; sounds like Tony Randall

Critters:

 

Above:  A critter thinks about his next meal.

• Origin: Extra-terrestrial
  Growth: Unknown; spherical in shape with stunted appendages
  Behavior: Basic and violent; prone to acting as a group
  Abilities: Can withdraw limbs and roll, either individually or attached with others to form a gigantic sphere; surprising ability to bounce and change direction rapidly; interstellar travel and use of firearms despite short appendages; voracious appetite; verbal communication (subtitlted for our benefit).
  Problems:  limited morality, appetite

I can’t speculate how I might react if I might either species.  If I had a choice, I would rather meet the gremlins.  They seem like fun, even if they do want to kill you.  The critters just eat; plus they chose to land in Kansas and failed when tempted by rotting meat, whereas the gremlins conquered one small town in upstate New York, and briefly, one New York City skyscraper.

Murder-for-hire Marketwatch, part 2

Objectives:  continue work on monochrome art project

Accomplishments:  finding brushes that maintain their shape

Physiology:  Feeling fine, for now.  Everyone at work seems to have succumbed to influenza.

Independence has done it again.  The homicidal nature of humans reappeared with another poorly-planned murder-for-hire plot.  One teenager in Independence, Missouri, wanted to kill his parents because they wouldn’t give him enough money.  Through a teenage friend, he met two hit men, paid them $260 and provided the guns.  Fortunately, one of the hit men was picked up on a probation violation and squealed to the police before the scheme could be completed.  My study of humanity continues, even though I feel less confident each week in their abilities to resolve conflicts peacefully.

They’re all watching us; kiss me on the bus

Objectives:  six-day workweek (ugh)

Accomplishments:  Survived painting class despite flimsy, substandard brushes

Music:  The Replacements

Physiology:  no problems

Escape velocity not realized.  The Stratus takes a while to warm up in 15-degree weather.

Tomorrow represents that uniquely human celebration of love and surrender of finances to the Hallmark Corporation.  Unfamiliar with the concept of love, my species has no such observances.  Yet the idea overwhelms humans, both positively and negatively. 

The feeling is chemical.  A human in love feels renewed confidence; endorphins conceal awareness of inadequacies.  The opposite occurs for a human not in love.  Such humans, especially in the presence of peers in love, alternate jealous and depressing thoughts.  Gordon Gekko said love is fictional, created by humans to prevent themselves from jumping out of windows.  That might explain why humans not in love don’t act irrationally.  They still have hope (another endearing human trait), even if they are fooling themselves.  Of course, the fact Valentine’s Day occurs once per planetary revolution, rather than constantly, might have something to do with it.

Murder-for-hire Marketwatch

Objectives:  none

Provisions:  canned

Music:  The The

Physiology:  can’t shake this cough

Humans are a uniquely homicidal species on this planet.  No other mammal kills its own like a human.  That said, I chuckled at one man’s attempt to kill a disliked individual.  I ran the story in my newscast last night.  Wholly unfamiliar with the market on a contract hit, the man in question offered an undercover Independence (Mo.) police officer $5 and 90 painkiller pills for the job.  If I am the undercover cop, I don’t know how I keep a straight face.  Officers immediately arrested the man.

There is not enough yelling in the courtroom

Objectives: recover from jury duty to return to work

Accomplishments: new knowledge of intestinal anatomy and its obstructions

Physiology: recovering from common cold

I spent the last five business days with my human host on jury duty in Johnson County, Kansas. Unfortunately, my prediction the civic duty would resolve after one day proved inaccurate. The court selected me for a five-day wrongful death/medical negligence civil trial. During the course of the trial, we learned the complete anatomy of the small and large bowels, plus the difference between mechanical small bowel obstructions and an ileus.

Regarding juror selection, I noticed humans will risk their integrity and perceived intelligence just to avoid jury duty. I placed them into two curious categories.

1. Confusion: Some humans will say anything, no matter how unintelligent, to plant seeds of bias or ineptitude in the counsel’s mind. For example, one woman said “accidents happen” when asked if a doctor should be responsible for medical mistakes. One of the lawyers asked her if a driver ran a red light, causing a car wreck, should the driver who ran the red light be held responsible. Her answer: “Well, the sun could’ve been in his eyes.”

2. Unwavering bias: Other humans in the pool took a stand without waiting to observe the facts of the case. One decided doctors are above mistakes. Another concluded medical malpractice lawsuits should be outlawed.

Once the lawyers struck the inept, along with the three registered nurses, a retired police officer once sued for excessive force, and a couple of weepy individuals citing funerals and hospitalized family members, I stood no chance of exclusion. The final 12-person jury included a lawyer with an office across the street from the courthouse, a retired medical laboratory executive, and a malpractice insurance salesman! They paid the price for their fairness and intelligence. Ultimately, we found no evidence of negligence on the defendant’s part, saving him a $1.3 million judgment sought by the plaintiff’s family.

David Byrne Corollary #2

Provisions:  leftovers

Objectives:  Learn basic art skills again in preparation for possible oil painting class.

Future:  Vacation ends Monday, but I quickly turn around to fly to the Orange Bowl.  My first experience with human jury duty is scheduled for the 7th.

David Byrne Corollary #2:  Same As It Ever Was

One might ask how I can retain the memories of my old form and absorb the memories of my human host simultaneously.  I wish I knew.  I feel my human host is an extension, perhaps even a complement to my own life.  Comparing his memories and mine, we share many similarities:  rejection, naivety, timidness.  Same as it ever was.  I wish my host could see the despair and rigidness of my home world, but humans don’t have the same evolved adaptability as my species.  We can survive multiple breathing environments, significant pressure changes and wide ranges in temperature (more on the cold end, definitely not too hot).  In a future log, I will describe how I attached myself to this lanky human.

So This Is Christmas

Objectives:  Celebrate annual holiday with human family

Accomplishments:  Consumed mass quantities of salted and sugared snacks.

Oddities:  A tiger escaped its exhibit at the San Francisco Zoo, killing one human.  Somewhere, Roy screamed.  I remember my initial experiments on Earth before taking on a human vessel.  I placed a wild Indian tiger with a transient human before realizing I mixed incompatible species.

I enjoy these annual celebrations on Earth.  We don’t observe holidays back home.  My human family has a new cat, rescued from a shelter earlier in the month.  The cat sensed my alien presence immediately.  She refused association until she smelled the turkey on my plate.  My human parents watched the old black-and-white version of A Christmas Carol, starring Alastair Sims.  They watch it most years.  It is seriously creepy.  I watched South Park’s Woodland Critter Christmas (don’t get down y’all, we’ll find a human host for the anti-Christ).