The day the Earth observed Earth Day

Objectives:  Prepare or next semester’s painting class

Provisions:  Chicken and fried rice (again)

Aggravations:  Laptop keyboard lag

  Again, I apologize for the lack of communication.  Who knew an NCAA tournament championship would take so much out of an organism like me?  We are entering thunderstorm season at my location.  Earthly lore indicates one can measure their distance from the lightning by counting seconds between lightning and thunder.  I counted “zero” often as bright flashes accompanied loud “kapows” of thunder.

  Tomorrow is Earth Day, a day in which humans pretend they don’t violently pollute their planet.  Sadly, the toxins might eliminate their species some day.  It’s a familiar sight in this large universe.  Our civilization recorded several species’ extinctions through self-pollution.  Only humans and viruses consume to the limits of their environment on this planet.  Regrettably, science might not catch up with the rate of pollution.

It’s okay to lower the blade

Objectives:  Recover from Super Fat Tuesday.

Accomplishments:  I executed a decent newscast with both winter weather and primary results bombarding my senses.

Physiology:  Exhausted

Escape velocity not even close to being realized in the Stratus on unplowed streets.

I describe the removal of frozen precipitation from the urban infrastructure as primitive and occasional.  A network of plows crosses the grid, but never on the streets (often steep inclines) I require.  Unfortunately, most times I see a plow, the driver is not doing his or her job.  I estimate 98% of the time I see a plow on a street or highway, the blade is upright and above the surface of the street, even if the street hasn’t been cleared.  What a waste.  If the road looks suspiciously covered, lower the blade and push that snow aside.  I don’t care about desginated routes.  If you drive it, you clear it.

Juiced over a KU victory

Objectives:  preparing for jury duty Monday

Provisions:  fueled by ice cream yet again

Accomplishments:  Recently returned from Orange Bowl

Air travel seems more complex than necessary on this planet.  Of course, we evolved beyond petroleum engines and pressurized metal tubes long ago.  In my interstellar vehicle, I could’ve made the trip in minutes.  Instead, I sat on the runway in Charlotte waiting for airplanes to alternately land and launch.  I was amazed at how many people decided to use automobiles in a geographically limited area like Miami Beach.  High population density among humans reminds me of a beehive.  I don’t think humans would appreciate the comparison, though.

My reason for traveling to South Florida (during a cold snap) was to attend the Orange Bowl, where my human vessel’s alma mater, Kansas, won 24-21.  I enjoy the brutality of the sport, but I can’t imagine the players feel too good after several years.  I also noticed the Orange Bowl mascot and the ample Jayhawk head coach kept plenty of distance between them.  The preferred sport back home resembles your game of soccer.  But, we have multiple tentacles.

David Byrne Corollary #1

Objectives: None; still waiting on Orange Bowl tickets; looking forward to time off.

Accomplishments: incorrect use of word “corollary.”

Corollary #1: Well, how did I get here?

Much like the last 31 sols in my Earthly vehicle, I turned my tail and ran. In my natural form, I worked as a courier, transporting goods between celestial bodies. I can’t pronounce those locations properly with the human tongue. The work is boring. At one point, after a degrading conversation with superiors, I swiped a long range interstellar vehicle for a trip to nowhere.

Despite the hyperspace journey to a largely unexplored region of the universe, my superiors located me. They assigned a new mission of exploration. I encountered a filthy-looking probe hurtling through empty space. I followed and captured the object in a slow drag, diminishing its momentum gradually. The probe contained a crude map, anatomical etchings, and a gold disc featuring photographs and music. My first thought was “send more Chuck Berry!” Scanning communication frequencies, I was overwhelmed by the amount of broadcasts interfering with each other. I did, however, take an instant liking to Pink Floyd.

Breaking the termination shock barrier bounced my vehicle aggressively. But, I discovered a neatly arranged solar system as I pursued the source of the transmissions. I will describe the following bodies in their Earthly names.

Pluto & Charon: Binary system with a few captured rocks, though you classify Pluto as a dwarf planet. Why? Both are cold, icy and empty. Both should be strip-mined for all available natural resources, as neither are useful.

Neptune: Astonishing gaseous body, presumably with hard core. The deep blue shade of the dominating material is beautiful; the storms within the top layers of the gases are not. I located several captured objects within the orbit, including a large natural satellite you call Triton. You should also mine these bodies for resources. Neptune has minor ringed debris.

Uranus: What a peculiar body! The stark axial tilt surprised me. I liked the light shade of green in this gaseous giant. The natural satellites, despite their unusual orbits, bored me. There is a thin ring of debris.

Saturn: Another gaseous giant … heavily ringed with rocks, ice and other debris. I discovered one of your probes on the natural satellite Titan. Single-celled organisms live in the methane pools; I don’t know if you were aware of that. The humidity is choking. Escape velocity is more difficult between Saturn and the next planet…

Jupiter: Huge gaseous giant! Is that redundant? I also spotted some debris rings here. Storms within the top layers are monstrous. Natural satellites are exciting. Io is heavily volcanic. Ganymede is enormous. Europa, under its surface, contains more complex organisms living in volcanically-heated water. Establishing an outpost here would be a good idea. Asteroid belt between here and Mars is tricky.

Mars: Apparently you like this place. I spotted several probes and a couple of slow-moving vehicles. I presume you will eventually mine the dusty planet for its ore and other basic minerals. Why would anyone live there?

Venus and Mercury: Too damn hot.