Accomplishments:  Partially booked vacation for July

Physiology:  No problems

Aggravations:  Keyboard lag (again)

  Superiors, the storm a few nights ago would’ve impressed you.  In the middle of the night, high wind roared through the area, causing damage.  Despite the non-tornadic image of the storm on radar, a few tornadoes apparently helped themselves to some homes as well.  The wind resembled a steam-powered train, rumbling continuously in the distance and growing louder as it approached.  Fortunately, my interstellar vehicle (the Stratus) escaped damage.  These storms should appear intermittently for another two months before we enter a hot, arid period.

  My quarters occasionally host some of the smaller creatures of the planet, like spiders.  But one pest in particular never seems to leave.  Cave crickets appear from a hidden nest, often drinking tiny puddles in the shower.  Cave crickets resemble a science fiction creation.  They have the legs and jumping ability of grasshoppers; the abdomen resembles a spider; yet, they belong to the cricket family.  Fortunately, I don’t require much effort to catch one.  With a little butter over medium heat, I’m sure it would taste okay too.

Provisions:  Chicken and fried rice (again)

Aggravations:  Laptop keyboard lag

  Again, I apologize for the lack of communication.  Who knew an NCAA tournament championship would take so much out of an organism like me?  We are entering thunderstorm season at my location.  Earthly lore indicates one can measure their distance from the lightning by counting seconds between lightning and thunder.  I counted “zero” often as bright flashes accompanied loud “kapows” of thunder.

  Tomorrow is Earth Day, a day in which humans pretend they don’t violently pollute their planet.  Sadly, the toxins might eliminate their species some day.  It’s a familiar sight in this large universe.  Our civilization recorded several species’ extinctions through self-pollution.  Only humans and viruses consume to the limits of their environment on this planet.  Regrettably, science might not catch up with the rate of pollution.

Accomplishments:  none

Physiology:  fine

With sincere apology, I write my first entry in nearly one Earth month.  Sorry, superiors, for my lapse in protocol.  You probably want to know what I did for the last few weeks.  I finished an oil painting.  I also watched a lot of basketball.  Go Jayhawks.  Feel free to join us on Massachusetts Street if Kansas wins Saturday and Monday.

Accomplishments: none

Physiology: fine

Message for my bosses back home: Consider Netflix. They don’t mail beyond Earth, but with a gigantic satellite dish, you might receive a weak wi-fi signal from one of the many coffee shops.

My human host recently used his Netflix account, not for an intelligent purchase, but for two cheeseball capers from his childhood: Critters 2 and Gremlins 2. I’ve never seen such creatures in my interstellar experiences, and I am thankful neither exist on Earth, but let us compare.

Gremlins:

• Origin: Earth
  Growth: Complicated — first they separate from the back of the parent Mogwai upon contact with water. After a period of hijinx, they enter a cocoon phase. Upon hatching, they shed their hair in favor of scales of more pronounced features
  Behavior: Mischevious, accelerated and violent
  Abilities: Basic mimicking of human language, group sociology, problem-solving, agility
  Problems: Bright light is fatal

Above:  Intelligent Gremlin discusses need for civilization.

• Origin: Drank brain serum in “Splice of Life” laboratory
  Growth: Initially spastic; then rapid intelligence gain
  Behavior: More subdued; a natural leader
  Abilities: Knowledge of commodities; Frank Sinatra lyrics; sounds like Tony Randall

Critters:

Above:  A critter thinks about his next meal.

• Origin: Extra-terrestrial
  Growth: Unknown; spherical in shape with stunted appendages
  Behavior: Basic and violent; prone to acting as a group
  Abilities: Can withdraw limbs and roll, either individually or attached with others to form a gigantic sphere; surprising ability to bounce and change direction rapidly; interstellar travel and use of firearms despite short appendages; voracious appetite; verbal communication (subtitlted for our benefit).
  Problems:  limited morality, appetite

I can’t speculate how I might react if I might either species.  If I had a choice, I would rather meet the gremlins.  They seem like fun, even if they do want to kill you.  The critters just eat; plus they chose to land in Kansas and failed when tempted by rotting meat, whereas the gremlins conquered one small town in upstate New York, and briefly, one New York City skyscraper.

Accomplishments:  none

Physiology:  Everyone has influenza, except me.

Provisions:  I’m preparing sausage and rice jambalaya tonight.

Music:  KTBG (90.9 mHz)

  Humans possess a remarkable ability to function without sleep.  A normal human requires eight to nine Earth hours of sleep to operate consciously for the next 15-16 hours.  But humans push that requirement a lot.  I tested it this weekend when, in another weekend filled with flu-bitten workers, my boss asked me to produce our station’s Sunday morning newscast.  I slept one hour Saturday afternoon, then three hours after returning home Sunday morning before going to bed at the normal time.  My species must recharge in a similar way.  We even dream the same way you do.

Accomplishments:  finding brushes that maintain their shape

Physiology:  Feeling fine, for now.  Everyone at work seems to have succumbed to influenza.

Independence has done it again.  The homicidal nature of humans reappeared with another poorly-planned murder-for-hire plot.  One teenager in Independence, Missouri, wanted to kill his parents because they wouldn’t give him enough money.  Through a teenage friend, he met two hit men, paid them $260 and provided the guns.  Fortunately, one of the hit men was picked up on a probation violation and squealed to the police before the scheme could be completed.  My study of humanity continues, even though I feel less confident each week in their abilities to resolve conflicts peacefully.

Accomplishments:  Survived painting class despite flimsy, substandard brushes

Music:  The Replacements

Physiology:  no problems

Escape velocity not realized.  The Stratus takes a while to warm up in 15-degree weather.

Tomorrow represents that uniquely human celebration of love and surrender of finances to the Hallmark Corporation.  Unfamiliar with the concept of love, my species has no such observances.  Yet the idea overwhelms humans, both positively and negatively. 

The feeling is chemical.  A human in love feels renewed confidence; endorphins conceal awareness of inadequacies.  The opposite occurs for a human not in love.  Such humans, especially in the presence of peers in love, alternate jealous and depressing thoughts.  Gordon Gekko said love is fictional, created by humans to prevent themselves from jumping out of windows.  That might explain why humans not in love don’t act irrationally.  They still have hope (another endearing human trait), even if they are fooling themselves.  Of course, the fact Valentine’s Day occurs once per planetary revolution, rather than constantly, might have something to do with it.

Accomplishments:  I executed a decent newscast with both winter weather and primary results bombarding my senses.

Physiology:  Exhausted

Escape velocity not even close to being realized in the Stratus on unplowed streets.

I describe the removal of frozen precipitation from the urban infrastructure as primitive and occasional.  A network of plows crosses the grid, but never on the streets (often steep inclines) I require.  Unfortunately, most times I see a plow, the driver is not doing his or her job.  I estimate 98% of the time I see a plow on a street or highway, the blade is upright and above the surface of the street, even if the street hasn’t been cleared.  What a waste.  If the road looks suspiciously covered, lower the blade and push that snow aside.  I don’t care about desginated routes.  If you drive it, you clear it.

Provisions:  canned

Music:  The The

Physiology:  can’t shake this cough

Humans are a uniquely homicidal species on this planet.  No other mammal kills its own like a human.  That said, I chuckled at one man’s attempt to kill a disliked individual.  I ran the story in my newscast last night.  Wholly unfamiliar with the market on a contract hit, the man in question offered an undercover Independence (Mo.) police officer $5 and 90 painkiller pills for the job.  If I am the undercover cop, I don’t know how I keep a straight face.  Officers immediately arrested the man.

Accomplishments:  Completed political story for FOX network

Aggravations:  typing with laptop computer

Escape velocity is hard to realize in such cold weather.  The Stratus doesn’t move so freely with frozen muck on the undercarriage.

It is truly amazing how journalists can operate for weeks without finding a good story, then we get slammed with several in the same day.  I compare it to long distance space travel.  You spend copious amounts of time in black emptiness, then one day, radiation from a supernova melts your shorts.  Tuesday was one of those days, though I kept my threads intact.  Missouri’s governor announced he won’t seek a second term (the way it occurred was strange); a famous actor died; a polarizing member of Kansas City’s parks board resigned (her letter started “Enough already!”); and a judge recommended an officer fired in a traffic stop that resulted in a miscarriage be reinstated.  We really need to spread these stories out.